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⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧
"There are things in our nature we might unwittingly pass on, yes. But, I do not believe them stronger than the things we choose to pass on. If you are asking whether love and joy are beyond you, just because of the taint in your blood... No. they most certainly are not."
~Jaheira
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
one of my favorite games of all time is baldur's gate 3. *warning: spoilers ahead*
i have been playing since early access days 2021/2022. i got it just for fun since i like d&d n rpg games, n to mess around in the character creator in. little did i know what a huge impact it would have on me.
by far my favorite playthrough of the many i have done was going on the dark-urge-resist/romance-unascended-astarion journey. there is so many things to gush about with this game, but this specific run hit me in a very vulnerable n personal way.
to me, resisting the dark urge, n redeeming astarion n convincing him to not ascend was drenched in themes of generational trauma/abuse n breaking harmful patterns.
this is going to be a long post so i will try to organize sections into cuts for the sake of condensing
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
when you play the dark urge origin story, you eventually find out that you are a bhaalspawn. this is a major callback to the original game in the series that started it all. (n imo, after playing dark urge, i can never go back to just a default tav; this origin story enriches the gameplay IMMENSELY so if you have played this game but never gave it a shot, i highly recommend it.)
a bhaalspawn is basically a child of the god of murder, bhaal. before bhaal died, he made sure pieces of himself were imbued within a plethora of his born children across the forgotten realms (or created from his divine blood), so that he could one day be resurrected. but having a piece of him taints the soul, it creates... Dark Urges. it makes them more predisposed to harmful (n violent) behaviors n thought patterns. bhaals original plan was to have a chosen favored child to preform the ritual to resurrect him, n have the rest give in to their dark urges n eventually slaughter each other for it; giving back the pieces of himself that were within them.
bhaalspawn are born into it. literally. created from the divine blood of a bloodthirsty madman-turned-god. the dark urge/tav's entire life, before the tadpole & amnesia, they have been told who they are. who they are supposed to be. what they are supposed to do. different characters crop up to throw you off your course to redemption. your unholy butler, whispering in your ear, trying to convince you to take another victim. rewarding you for bad behavior. orin, who unlike you, has fully embraced her roots n is obsessed with trying to be the favored child of bhaal. she wants you to remember, n then she wants to take your place. a slew of other bhaalspawn attacking you. bhaal tempting you with more power to come back n take your birthright, a place by his side.
but now, your thoughts, your instincts, they sicken you. they scare you. with this mental barrier, the memory loss n illithid tadpole, you start to figure out who YOU are, without bhaal, without your destiny, without the expectation put on you. you ARE good. you don't WANT to cause harm. n you have your adventuring camp crew to help get you through things, n keep you grounded.
its hard, you grapple with what you are every day. people think you are a monster. but it gets better one day at a time. you resist your urges. you help people, save lives, spread kindness.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
astarion is a vampire spawn. a lot of spawns around here...(ᓀ ᓀ) a vampire spawn does not have complete free will or the full power n capabilities that a true vampire does. they are basically subservient to the vampire that turned them, controlled by them. they also dont have as much power as a true vampire. astarion's vampire lord, cazador, is cold, abusive, n power hungry. he has no care for his spawn, simply using them to do his bidding, n tormenting n torturing them when they displease him or for no reason at all besides his amusement.
before you go to fight cazador, through exploring the depths of the szarr palace, you discover some of cazador's own backstory: he was once a spawn himself.
his vampire lord, vellioth, was even more cruel, with a very strict set of rules that he followed n forced upon cazador, teaching them to him as 'lessons' by causing traumatic events, such as killing his friend in front of him for trying to reach out to him (control). reading the things cazador went through is so unsettling...? it makes u sympathize with him for a bit (while not excusing who he is now or his actions). the only way cazador broke free from his abusive vampire lord, was by killing vellioth himself. its the only way to free yourself as a spawn n become a true vampire.
but despite everything that he was put through, how much he suffered at vellioth's hand, n how much he hated him... he ended up becoming just like him. with his newfound power n freedom, he perpetuated the suffering done unto him, onto others, onto astarion; abusing his power n seeking complete n total control.
why?
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
Hurt people hurt people.
when people are subjected to mental, emotional, or physical abuse/trauma, it can manifest in other ways n aspects. some people blame themselves n make themselves suffer more for it. some people blame the world n lash out. some people don't know any better because it's all they've known, n perpetuate it unconsciously.
cazador was abused. he usurped his abuser. he became the abuser.
as soon as astarion gains freedom (a la tadpole), he flees. but his perception of himself n the world around him are warped. when u first meet him, hes selfish, indulgent, trigger happy, insecure, n a shameless flirt to manipulate others into doing what he wants (ex: provide protection). u lose approval with him every time u try to selflessly help others.
through bonding or romancing him, u find out the horrors that hes been through, n a lot of his behaviors start to make sense. hes not evil. hes traumatized. hes doing what he thinks he needs to do to survive, to make his freedom permanent.
he doesn't like when u help others in need selflessly because no one has ever been there to help him. hes selfish because hes had nothing n no one for so long. hes indulgent because he was subjected to eating rats or starving, owning nothing, being no one. hes trigger happy because its easier to eliminate any threats first to be safe, then to assess a situation further before acting therefore increasing risks. hes insecure because he hates himself. he flirts to cope/manipulate because of the horrible things he was forced to do under cazadors control.
he thinks, maybe, if he stops cazadors ascension ritual, n completes it himself, not only will he be free, but no one can ever hurt him again. n if u convince him to go through with it, he becomes just like cazador. the love for u turns into entitlement, ownership. ur HIS. no longer a partner or equal, but a consort. he loses all the special things that made him astarion. hes a shell of who he was. the cycle begins again.
throughout the romance with him, he comes to see that ur not trying to hurt him. he doesn't need to manipulate u to do what he wants. you love him truly for who he is, the good n bad. you're safe. you have his back, n then he has yours. because of this safety net, because of the love, the friendship, the care, you are able to talk him out of the ritual. he realizes that sacrificing the rest of his vampire spawn siblings for power is the worst most selfish thing he could do, especially after all he has had to endure.
he kills cazador himself. he stops the ritual. he frees his siblings. n he drops to his knees, sobbing. he's free. n he will never cause the same suffering cazador did to anyone else.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
their stories mirror each other. they've gone through so much pain, but are choosing a better path for themselves. they keep each other in check. they lean n rely on each other. they fight for each other. people like to talk so much about the flirting n spicy scenes with astarions romance, but its the genuine tender scenes that get me every time. letting each other in, trusting one another.
the scene with the dark urge n astarion where the butler says you are going to have to kill astarion, is so gut-wrenching. you can choose to wake astarion up n confide in him what is going on with you. n warn him of the urges that might overwhelm you in the night. he stays with you all night, making sure you are safe n contained. he never leaves your side, no matter what. he reassures you n is gentle n tender n understanding. finally the moment passes, n u both are better for it, stronger.
two hearts that should be hardened forever for what they've had to endure, for what they've done, softened to be full of love n hope.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
i can relate to their struggles. i never want anyone to feel like how i've felt. i never want anyone to go through what i've gone through. i'm not my blood. i'm not my trauma. i'm not the worst parts of me. i'm not the hurt that was perpetuated onto me by others. i'm not what others want or tell me to be.
i am who i make myself to be. i'm not perfect.
i'm just me.
the things i value most in this world are kindness, gentleness, empathy, understanding, n patience.
these are the things i want to perpetuate.
i got a tattoo of the bhaal sigil. u might think it's to be edgy, "ooo a sigil of the god of murder (￢_￢;)" but i wear it more as a mark of a bhaalspawn.
it's a reminder to myself, that no matter what cards i've been dealt, no matter what others have done to me, no matter what i've gone through, i'm not broken. i alone get to decide who i am. i get to decide how to go about the world, how i treat others. n that i should always strive to do better. treat those around you how you would like to be treated.
we can all break the cycle.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
"We are all born into a bloodline, yes - but we need not be bound by it."
~Minsc
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
"There are things in our nature we might unwittingly pass on, yes. But, I do not believe them stronger than the things we choose to pass on. If you are asking whether love and joy are beyond you, just because of the taint in your blood... No. they most certainly are not."
~Jaheira
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
one of my favorite games of all time is baldur's gate 3. *warning: spoilers ahead*
i have been playing since early access days 2021/2022. i got it just for fun since i like d&d n rpg games, n to mess around in the character creator in. little did i know what a huge impact it would have on me.
by far my favorite playthrough of the many i have done was going on the dark-urge-resist/romance-unascended-astarion journey. there is so many things to gush about with this game, but this specific run hit me in a very vulnerable n personal way.
to me, resisting the dark urge, n redeeming astarion n convincing him to not ascend was drenched in themes of generational trauma/abuse n breaking harmful patterns.
this is going to be a long post so i will try to organize sections into cuts for the sake of condensing
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
when you play the dark urge origin story, you eventually find out that you are a bhaalspawn. this is a major callback to the original game in the series that started it all. (n imo, after playing dark urge, i can never go back to just a default tav; this origin story enriches the gameplay IMMENSELY so if you have played this game but never gave it a shot, i highly recommend it.)
a bhaalspawn is basically a child of the god of murder, bhaal. before bhaal died, he made sure pieces of himself were imbued within a plethora of his born children across the forgotten realms (or created from his divine blood), so that he could one day be resurrected. but having a piece of him taints the soul, it creates... Dark Urges. it makes them more predisposed to harmful (n violent) behaviors n thought patterns. bhaals original plan was to have a chosen favored child to preform the ritual to resurrect him, n have the rest give in to their dark urges n eventually slaughter each other for it; giving back the pieces of himself that were within them.
bhaalspawn are born into it. literally. created from the divine blood of a bloodthirsty madman-turned-god. the dark urge/tav's entire life, before the tadpole & amnesia, they have been told who they are. who they are supposed to be. what they are supposed to do. different characters crop up to throw you off your course to redemption. your unholy butler, whispering in your ear, trying to convince you to take another victim. rewarding you for bad behavior. orin, who unlike you, has fully embraced her roots n is obsessed with trying to be the favored child of bhaal. she wants you to remember, n then she wants to take your place. a slew of other bhaalspawn attacking you. bhaal tempting you with more power to come back n take your birthright, a place by his side.
but now, your thoughts, your instincts, they sicken you. they scare you. with this mental barrier, the memory loss n illithid tadpole, you start to figure out who YOU are, without bhaal, without your destiny, without the expectation put on you. you ARE good. you don't WANT to cause harm. n you have your adventuring camp crew to help get you through things, n keep you grounded.
its hard, you grapple with what you are every day. people think you are a monster. but it gets better one day at a time. you resist your urges. you help people, save lives, spread kindness.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
astarion is a vampire spawn. a lot of spawns around here...(ᓀ ᓀ) a vampire spawn does not have complete free will or the full power n capabilities that a true vampire does. they are basically subservient to the vampire that turned them, controlled by them. they also dont have as much power as a true vampire. astarion's vampire lord, cazador, is cold, abusive, n power hungry. he has no care for his spawn, simply using them to do his bidding, n tormenting n torturing them when they displease him or for no reason at all besides his amusement.
before you go to fight cazador, through exploring the depths of the szarr palace, you discover some of cazador's own backstory: he was once a spawn himself.
his vampire lord, vellioth, was even more cruel, with a very strict set of rules that he followed n forced upon cazador, teaching them to him as 'lessons' by causing traumatic events, such as killing his friend in front of him for trying to reach out to him (control). reading the things cazador went through is so unsettling...? it makes u sympathize with him for a bit (while not excusing who he is now or his actions). the only way cazador broke free from his abusive vampire lord, was by killing vellioth himself. its the only way to free yourself as a spawn n become a true vampire.
but despite everything that he was put through, how much he suffered at vellioth's hand, n how much he hated him... he ended up becoming just like him. with his newfound power n freedom, he perpetuated the suffering done unto him, onto others, onto astarion; abusing his power n seeking complete n total control.
why?
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
Hurt people hurt people.
when people are subjected to mental, emotional, or physical abuse/trauma, it can manifest in other ways n aspects. some people blame themselves n make themselves suffer more for it. some people blame the world n lash out. some people don't know any better because it's all they've known, n perpetuate it unconsciously.
cazador was abused. he usurped his abuser. he became the abuser.
as soon as astarion gains freedom (a la tadpole), he flees. but his perception of himself n the world around him are warped. when u first meet him, hes selfish, indulgent, trigger happy, insecure, n a shameless flirt to manipulate others into doing what he wants (ex: provide protection). u lose approval with him every time u try to selflessly help others.
through bonding or romancing him, u find out the horrors that hes been through, n a lot of his behaviors start to make sense. hes not evil. hes traumatized. hes doing what he thinks he needs to do to survive, to make his freedom permanent.
he doesn't like when u help others in need selflessly because no one has ever been there to help him. hes selfish because hes had nothing n no one for so long. hes indulgent because he was subjected to eating rats or starving, owning nothing, being no one. hes trigger happy because its easier to eliminate any threats first to be safe, then to assess a situation further before acting therefore increasing risks. hes insecure because he hates himself. he flirts to cope/manipulate because of the horrible things he was forced to do under cazadors control.
he thinks, maybe, if he stops cazadors ascension ritual, n completes it himself, not only will he be free, but no one can ever hurt him again. n if u convince him to go through with it, he becomes just like cazador. the love for u turns into entitlement, ownership. ur HIS. no longer a partner or equal, but a consort. he loses all the special things that made him astarion. hes a shell of who he was. the cycle begins again.
throughout the romance with him, he comes to see that ur not trying to hurt him. he doesn't need to manipulate u to do what he wants. you love him truly for who he is, the good n bad. you're safe. you have his back, n then he has yours. because of this safety net, because of the love, the friendship, the care, you are able to talk him out of the ritual. he realizes that sacrificing the rest of his vampire spawn siblings for power is the worst most selfish thing he could do, especially after all he has had to endure.
he kills cazador himself. he stops the ritual. he frees his siblings. n he drops to his knees, sobbing. he's free. n he will never cause the same suffering cazador did to anyone else.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
their stories mirror each other. they've gone through so much pain, but are choosing a better path for themselves. they keep each other in check. they lean n rely on each other. they fight for each other. people like to talk so much about the flirting n spicy scenes with astarions romance, but its the genuine tender scenes that get me every time. letting each other in, trusting one another.
the scene with the dark urge n astarion where the butler says you are going to have to kill astarion, is so gut-wrenching. you can choose to wake astarion up n confide in him what is going on with you. n warn him of the urges that might overwhelm you in the night. he stays with you all night, making sure you are safe n contained. he never leaves your side, no matter what. he reassures you n is gentle n tender n understanding. finally the moment passes, n u both are better for it, stronger.
two hearts that should be hardened forever for what they've had to endure, for what they've done, softened to be full of love n hope.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
i can relate to their struggles. i never want anyone to feel like how i've felt. i never want anyone to go through what i've gone through. i'm not my blood. i'm not my trauma. i'm not the worst parts of me. i'm not the hurt that was perpetuated onto me by others. i'm not what others want or tell me to be.
i am who i make myself to be. i'm not perfect.
i'm just me.
the things i value most in this world are kindness, gentleness, empathy, understanding, n patience.
these are the things i want to perpetuate.
i got a tattoo of the bhaal sigil. u might think it's to be edgy, "ooo a sigil of the god of murder (￢_￢;)" but i wear it more as a mark of a bhaalspawn.
it's a reminder to myself, that no matter what cards i've been dealt, no matter what others have done to me, no matter what i've gone through, i'm not broken. i alone get to decide who i am. i get to decide how to go about the world, how i treat others. n that i should always strive to do better. treat those around you how you would like to be treated.
we can all break the cycle.
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
"We are all born into a bloodline, yes - but we need not be bound by it."
~Minsc
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊
