33ri3

im looking forward to 2025 being over.

i want to have a cozy christmas n a hopeful new year.

i thought i would preemptively write out some new years resolutions to work towards for myself:

read 35 books

learn piano

improve my singing just for fun

code art portfolio website

post more art online

move!!!

go on a trip to the pacific northwest

quit unhealthy habits

grow hair out for real this time

take weekly dance classes

be kinder to myself

guna spend the rest of this month playing skyrim with christmas mods on, spending time w people who care about me, n trying to decompress n not totally n completely crash out :o)

best of luck to everyone struggling out there, may 2026 be kinder to us all.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: Skyrim
Current Music: Christmas classics

i molded myself into what you wanted me to be.

i changed myself to be palatable and likeable for you, until i was diluted.

i handed myself over like a lump of clay. like silly putty.

i let myself be shaped,
smoothed,
flattened,
kneaded,
stretched,
poked,
grabbed,
thrown,
bounced,
smooshed.

pieces of myself taken, until i was small.

i was a pitiful golem in your image.

i thought it was what i deserved.

but now i see;

it was silly to think that it would ever be enough for you.

Current Mood: drained
Current Location: a red egg
Current Music: will post sketch later im sleepy

i'm Eerie/Slendy. ╮(￣ω￣;)╭ (they/them)

i'm an edgelord nerd who loves art n video games. this is an online diary of sorts.

i'm not rlly much of a writer. i'm more of a visual artist. but it's something i wanted to try more of n push myself out of my comfort zone, even if it can be tender n vulnerable. so bear with me. i might also post non-vent entries in the future. i'm just trying to post whatever my heart tells me to in the moment.

( more info )

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: I'm Not A Vampire by Falling In Reverse

তততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত

"...I know you're getting older, growing, changing. And, I guess, if I'm being really honest, that's what scares me. I don't want things to change. So I think maybe that's why I came in here, to try and stop that change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were. But I know that's naive. It's just not how life works. It's moving, always moving, whether you like it or not. And yeah, sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's sad. And sometimes, it's surprising. Happy.

So you know what? Keep on growing up kid. Don't let me stop you. Make mistakes, learn from 'em. And when life hurts you, because it will, remember the hurt. The hurt is good. It means you're out of that cave."

~Jim Hopper, Stranger Things - S4E8

তততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততততত

( yap below )

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: Hawkins, Indiana
Current Music: Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God) by Kate Bush

⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧

"There are things in our nature we might unwittingly pass on, yes. But, I do not believe them stronger than the things we choose to pass on. If you are asking whether love and joy are beyond you, just because of the taint in your blood... No. they most certainly are not."

~Jaheira

⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊

one of my favorite games of all time is baldur's gate 3. *warning: spoilers ahead*

i have been playing since early access days 2021/2022. i got it just for fun since i like d&d n rpg games, n to mess around in the character creator in. little did i know what a huge impact it would have on me.

by far my favorite playthrough of the many i have done was going on the dark-urge-resist/romance-unascended-astarion journey. there is so many things to gush about with this game, but this specific run hit me in a very vulnerable n personal way.

to me, resisting the dark urge, n redeeming astarion n convincing him to not ascend was drenched in themes of generational trauma/abuse n breaking harmful patterns.

this is going to be a long post so i will try to organize sections into cuts for the sake of condensing

⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊˚⊹︰꒷⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧⊹₊꒷︶꒷꒦‧₊

( contextual lore about bhaalspawn )

Current Mood: pensive
Current Location: The Forgotten Realms
Current Music: The Legacy of Bhaal by Borislav Slavov

shrouded in the dark, fallen into the void, wings clipped

there is only two things left to do

stay rooted in this cold place and let the vast shadows engulf you until you're consumed

or fight with everything you have left and claw your way out back towards the light

doesn't matter how you lost your flight and crashed landed in this place

it happened, it hurt, and you will carry the scars with you always

but remember the warmth from the sun on your skin

remember the wind whipping through your hair, ruffling your feathers

remember the vibrant colors of the landscapes and endless sky around you

remember how those moments felt

those moments were worth it

the climb won't be easy

you will slip, cut your hands, bruise your knees, sweat and bleed and cry

but the more you fight, the more you climb

the bigger the light at the end will grow

you never truly know how long the climb will be

the light at the end could take on a different shape and form from memory or expectation

the uncertainty can be scary, but once you reach the end, no matter how different the world is around you

what you can be certain of is that regardless of the cards you were dealt, you tried your best, even if it hadn't always felt enough

when you finally heave yourself out with the last of your strength

feel the stable ground underneath your feet

inhale the fresh atmosphere

bask in the newfound light

regrow and unfurl your wings

a new flight begins

Current Mood: hopeful

i used to know all of you

inside and out

now i barely recognize you

do you?

do you know who you were?

who you've become?

perhaps you were stolen from me

switched away in the night

i tried to find you

bring you back

you were perfect to me

now that person doesn't exist

all that remains

is the Changeling

Current Mood: tired

too much, always too much

they bubble up from my core, acid burning a hole right through me

sadness becomes depression
frustration becomes anger
anxiety becomes fear
confusion becomes disorientation
heartbreak becomes grief

it's easy to hate it, easier to wallow in it,
and just as easy to wish i didn't feel anything at all

but its not all bad,
the Big Feelings

they explode in my chest, setting my heart ablaze

happiness becomes euphoria
comfort becomes solace
interest becomes passion
excitement becomes exhilaration
love becomes enraptured ecstasy

the fire is better than the void

at least i know i'm alive

at least i know i care

at least i know im human

Current Mood: melancholy

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Current Mood: depressed

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Entries tagged with personal

new years resolutions

Silly Putty

hi :o)

remember the hurt

Bhaalspawn

Fallen from Grace

Changeling

Big Feelings

Innards

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December 2025

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